Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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