Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
