Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
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So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
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I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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