As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
