i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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