we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
