I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
