i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
