do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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