Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
