marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
