Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
