end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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