my being single is dangerous.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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