I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
