it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
