I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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