She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
