Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
