Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
