The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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