I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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