Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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