we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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