ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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