I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just gargled with NyQuil
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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