R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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