Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
