she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
