Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
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I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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