Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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