why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
we should paint friendship bongs
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