Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
