also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
