Need sex. Gaining weight.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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