Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Randomize
