You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
