I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
