I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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