I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Randomize
