Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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