Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
