Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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