I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
