We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
