By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
MIDGETS
????
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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