doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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