I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
And then he peed in my hair
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