i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
