im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
