i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
this boner is exhausting
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
