i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This baby is an asshole
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
