this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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